


Him, Who Chose His Own Death.

by simpingpoet



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Best Friends, Break Up, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Euthanasia, I Love You, M/M, My First AO3 Post, My First Work in This Fandom, POV Bokuto Koutarou, Sunsets, Terminal Illnesses, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-25
Updated: 2020-10-25
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27190321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpingpoet/pseuds/simpingpoet
Summary: Kuroo Tetsurou just broke up from his boyfriend and childhood friend, Kozume Kenma. He changed. Especially, his sleep schedule. While Bokuto Kotarou, his long competitor from high school days and silly friend who always there for him, stealthily fell in love.Kuroo suffers from the sudden syndrome he possessed. Instead of moved on from Kenma, he chose to moved out of the life.-"I still love him, I always do" -Kenma."Me too," Bokuto spoke in his head.-Bokuto squinting his eyes, pierced by the dazzling light of the sun setting down. “I told sunset about you, about us, about the thing I had and never admit. I love you.”
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 15





	Him, Who Chose His Own Death.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fic on this platform. And the first time I write fully in English too. I don't speak English in daily basis, please pardon my grammar error and typos. I tried my best to make it easy to understand. This au was inspired by the "bedhead hair" nickname of Kuroo as I read an article about sleeping beauty syndrome. Also, just to let you know that my writing style is influenced by every stories I've ever read. Please enjoy^^

_One year ago-------------#_

It’s been three days since the last text he sent me. What is he so busy for? I know I have no right to tell him what to do. It’s not like I’m his husband or sumn. But-

_Ting._

My phone vibrating along with the sound of spam notifications.

**04:15pm**

Hey

I’m sorry

I was asleep

A long sleep

Wait

MONDAY??

I didn’t knew it’s already Monday???

WHAT THJE FUCK

Calm down you mofo

You’ve been ignoring me for three days

Got a new chick?

....I can’t even mad

WHY DIDN’T YOU CALL ME, AIRHEAD?

I SKIPPED OLD MAN UKAI’S CLASS

YOU KNOW HE’S HORRIFIC

What?

You skipped classes today?

I told you I was asleep.

The entire day?

I guess.

Can I come?

Are your chicks there?

WHAT CHICKS??????

I plug my earphones once I got into the bus. It’s kinda busy today, people are coming in and out the bus from workplaces and schools. A broke college student like me has no choice but to use public transportation, even tho I don’t really like crowds (that aren’t cheering on me).

It took me ten minutes and two bus stops to arrived at Kuroo’s flat building. I called him right away to pick me up in the lobby. But he said, _“just come, I have no energy to walk”_ I thought he was sleeping?

I’ve came here several times before, getting more frequent these days post his breakup with Kenma. But this is my first time walking to his room alone. I don’t know if I can find his room.

I did anyway.

_Bzzz. Bzzz._

He looks so endearing and disgusting at the same time because of the trail of drools surrounded his lips. Pajamas untidy. Socks are pulling down to his ankle. And did I mention how his bedhead hair look like? He looks like a mad man. I can’t believe I’m catching feelings for this guy. But damn, his cat eyes are beautiful. Despite how wistful it seems and how dark his eye bags are. I wonder where he got those eye bags..

“How are you feeling?” I said while I place my bag on the sofa. He’s nodding awakwardly, hardly able to gulp a cup of water. “Does it mean you’re good?” Now he’s walking towards me unsteadily. He’s body a bit slanted and his pretty eyes seems unfocus. I asked him to sit on the sofa beside me. He immediately put his head on my thighs. Closing his eyes. “Kuroo, are you good?” I said again, making sure.

“No. I can’t even define myself. Everything’s blurry and my muscles feels w-weak..” He choked on his own words. I pull his body to sit straight and pat his back gently.

After a sequence of patting his back and helping him drink a cup of mere water, Kuroo’s breathe become more stable. “How long did you sleep? Really.” He looked at me, a sharp stare. Honestly, it makes my stomach tingling. Butterflies are flying here and there bumping onto my organs. But it’s not the time to enjoy this feeling, Bokuto. It’s not the time. It never will.

“I remembered it was Saturday 9am. I feel sleepy and decided to take a nap after rejecting your volleyball free match invitation.” He explained.

“Too bad. We had good game,” I said, teasing him. He frowned and kicked me weakly. But I did such a dramatic reaction. I fell down and rolled far enough from him to finally run towards him again and throw myself onto him. We laughed and choking on our own saliva. I slept over in his flat for the night.

We put ourselves to bed around 11pm. He pulled his side of duvet until below his chin. Mumbles, “I guess Kenma has got over me. Why do I feel like suffering alone.” I peeked my eyes at Kuroo. “Call him, you’ll know.”

“No...”

_-###-_

“Here comes the sleepyhead..!” Said Oikawa, streched out his arms to welcome Kuroo. Iwaizumi gasped at that sight. For real, his boyfriend is such a tease. But, Kuroo refused to be hugged. I chuckled on Oikawa’s sulky face along with Iwa-chan’s relieved sighs.

We eat lunch together as usual. Booking the outdoor seat so we can breathe the fresh air. And today’s lunch topic is The Sleepy Head Kuroo. Kuroo fell asleep in class today. For a whole two hours plus another six hours alone. No one wake him up, not even us. We left him there and been waiting at the cafetaria. He said the janitor woke him up. “Good guy, too good,” said Akaashi. Which make him got a flicked on his head from Kuroo.

“I heard Bokuto been sleeping at your flat lately? Are you planning on making him your escapade, Rooster?” Iwaizumi wiggled his eyebrows, his right hand hugging Oikawa’s waist.

I laugh out loud, “he’s having a hard time waking up. I’m just helping.” I stated. Wishing Kuroo think of my existence as something more than that. “I’m just tired mentally, okay? I need supports. Bokuto’s flat is happen to be nearby.”

_I sorta disappointed._

Oikawa stand up beside Kuroo and grimace, pushing Kuroo’s stomach with his elbow, “just admit it, you miss Kenma.”

“SHUT UP SHITTYKAWA.” He said, slipped out some giggles. We all laughed at his response. Everyone knows about how childish their breakup reason is. 

We keep on talking about how KuroKen’s relationship ended in such a silly way. Kuroo let out sighs and chuckles as he don’t know what to say. Until I noticed the uncomfortable expression evidence on Kuroo’s face.

I was pondering if I should say anything to provoke him more or side with him. But then my reckless mouth suddenly on autopilot mode. “You know what Kuroo? If you still love him you shouldn’t have let him go. HAHA. Now you suffer alone while Kozume having his good time without you.”

“It’s not even your problem. Don’t be so know-it-all, Bokuto.” Kuroo said furiously. “But you said-” “I’m done talking,” he cut my word off. I let out a sigh and wave my hand at Akaashi’s concerned stare as an okay sign. But his hands keep reaching out to grab me. I tried to smile as wide as I could to tell them I am used to Kuroo’s moodswing and it’s totally fine.

_Even if it actually hurts me, somehow._

The one thing I’m concealing from others is that, while everyone thought Akaashi and I have something going on between us. I secretly give my heart to Kuroo.

Oikawa and Iwaizumi parted from us since the last alley. Akaashi just walk away to the train station. Kuroo is walking far in front of me. At one point, he suddenly stopped. I thought I shouldn’t get close to him for we were fighting earlier. But he turned around as if he waits for me.

So I walked.

The gap between us getting narrow.

I’m about to open my mouth when he said-

“Bokuto. Sleepover again tonight? I’ll pay for dinner,” I guess that’s how Kuroo says sorry.

We were competitors in highschool for our school volleyball team. But since we’re accepted to the same college with the same major, we became super close. And I’m glad about that.

“Okay.” I replied with a smirk, knowing Kuroo actually feel guilty himself but remains cocky as hell.

We sleep on the same bed, different side tho. It seems like he don’t really mind touching but- I do. I strained myself from going to his side of bed. I failed anyway. I can’t sleep motionless. I moved here and there like a crazy dog.

_-###-_

The sun’s already up so high before I knew. Kuroo still alseep when I woke up. It’s 10am. I have an hour to go. As I walk out from the bathroom, I glanced at sleeping Kuroo. I’m afraid he’s gonna sleep all day like last week. So, I setted 8 alarms for him before his evening Ukai-san’s class start. I also wrote a note and made a cheese toast for him on the table. The note says something like, _“I have an early class. Eat the toast when you’re awake”_

When I entered the class, the professor’s already there. Standing with arms resting on his waist.

_Shit._

After class, I called Akaashi, Shittykawa, and Iwa-chan to have an evening lunch with me. The professor was too excited to teach, we were stuck in class for four and a half hours straight. I didn’t call Kuroo since I knew he’s still in his first hour of Ukai-san’s class.

We sat near the grill room. Which make me craving yakiniku. I just turned on my phone to scan QR code of menus when Kuroo came and make a fuss.

“Not everything is about you, Bokuto!” He snapped out. I was shocked as fuck, my eyes open wide. Everyone ended up staring at us. They shall know I too, was puzzled by the situation.

“For God Sake, we’re in a crowded cafetaria. What’s wrong with him,” said Akaashi, upset.

I yanked Kuroo’s arm to move to another place, quiet one, with only two of us. “Talk,” I uttered. “I don’t have anything to talk about.” He walked away just like that.

_WHAT THE HECK?!_

So I came back to my seat, losing appetite. “HEY HEY HEY!” I screamed, greeting them after disconnect myself from hard feelings. They asked me things but I said, “I ate his mackerel pike this morning, he hates me now haha.”

After everyone left, I stayed to work on my paper at the library. I took a glimpse to the window beside me. The sun’s setting. And all of a sudden I recall my fight with Kuroo. My mood spoiled.

I walk home with a lot of things on my plate. What did I do wrong and what did Kuroo encountered today until he blow up like that..

**07:17pm**

Apologies

About today

You were acting weird buddy

Haha sorry

Sure..

You’re forever be forgiven

Thanks

Anw I asked my mom to come and accompany me to see a doctor

I’ll be okay

That’s great!

See you :)

Yep

See you when I see you

_-###-_

“So what does the doctor said?” I asked as I came into his messy flat. “Hypersomnia. Something like constantly sleepy and tired. Might be because I am actually tired. They don’t know it yet.” I glared at him, deadly. I thought I’m the stupid one here. Being careless about your own health is way dumber than being stupid itself, Kuroo. I said in my thought.

“What do you mean?”

“Did they schedule another appoinment for you?”

“They gave you pills or anything?”

Kuroo then open his bag and hesitantly lift up a white small container. “What’s that?” He jolted. “Am...phe-ta-mine..?” His eyes wandering to the ceiling. “They want me to record my sleeping schedule too. Mind to help me?” He said, now eye-ing me, waggling his eyebrows. I frowned. Then taking a breath, deeply.

“OF COURSE KUROOOO!! I’M YOUR BESTFRIEND. I’LL ACCOMPANY YOU TO YOUR NEXT APPOINMENT TOO IF YOU WANT.” I said, giddily. Put my chin up high. Lifted my right hand in front of my face and another hand beside my hip in clenched fits. Like the way I used to do when we were in highschool volleyball club. I chuckled as I saw him smiling brightly than ever.

_-###-_

We both looking at the same direction, the one warm tube with yellow light inside transparent infant room. Kuroo been looking at it since he came out from the doctor’s room.

I wonder what’s so interesting.

“Isn’t it weird how they says life is a gift but we cried when we were born?” I asked leisurelly. Kuroo shift his gaze at the clean-newborn babies that being moved to another room—I suspected, their moms’s—the nurses placed them in an open tube and push it all the way through the aisle.

He then glanced at me, “it seems like we were forced. Right?” “We cried as we escaped our mom’s womb because our souls knew, that life isn’t so beautiful. Life is cruel, my friend.” I was stunned from his answer.

Kuroo’s aware of my sudden existensial crisis. He shrugged his soulder and grinned, a weird one. “But I happen to love the life, tho.”

_-###-#_

“Kuro Tetsurou.” Kenma called me behind the arcade room door. We always come here after school. We both goes to the same elementary school. We simply always together. I am so used to his existence. I guess I’m gonna marry him one day. “Kuro, come.” He said again as he opened the door for me.

We walked in the arcade room and choosing what to play. I saw him playing mario bros. He’s so good at games. I sometimes proud of it. “You don’t play, Kuro?” He asked. I shook my head and give him a proud momma smile. “Go on, I want to watch,” I uttered.

I realized how deep my voice is. But I’m 7 years old, tho.

I turned around and look at myself in the reflecting screen in front of me.

_It’s not a dream. It’s my 21st years old self.._

I started panicking and yelling Kenma’s name. He jolted, turned around and scanning my body. Little Kenma. He’s looking up at my face. _Fuck. What the fuck’s happening._ I closed my eyes in advance, to wake myself up. Even so, when I opened it again, I’m standing in the middle of Nekoma’s practice hall instead of whatever the reality is.

I’m checking myself in the nearby mirror. I am still adult me.

What to do with this situation. Where are you Bokuto... Help me out. I cried. I cried so hard. I thought I cried. But there’s no tears coming out of my eyes..

_“We’re like the blood in our veins,_

That is my 17 years old self’s voice. I look around me to find him.

_We must flow without stopping, Keep—_

He’s there, chanting Nekoma’s cheer outside the offside line, circling up with the team. _I miss his spirit._

_—The oxygen moving and your mind working._

I walked towards them to join in. “OSSU!” I screamed my lungs out. And then everything’s dimmed and shattered.

_-###-##_

“Kuroo Tetsurou?” I heard my dad’s voice echoing as I open my eyes. There he is, holding the restaurant door for me. “Come in, fast. It’s raining.” I look up just to gets my face wet from pattering of rain. I ran to the door.

He asked me to sit down and I did.

He cleared his throat while handing over me the menu book. “How are you, son?” I smirked and let out chuckles at him, “now you remember you have a son?” He frowned.

I stood up cockily. “Thank you for inviting me, I rather soaked with rain than to sit with you here.” Then walked out of the restaurant.

_Dang. This hatred.._

I can’t even remember why’d dad and I quarrel? Why are we separated, and worse, fighting? Why do I hate him so much? _Shit. Bokuto, get me out of here. Wake me up._

My hand was grasped. I stare at it and noticed that it was a woman’s hand. It was slender and bright and soft and.. “mom?”

“Why are you avoiding your dad?”

“I don’t remember why.. I simply hate him. I’m sorry,” I can feel my tears falling down to both of our hands. Mom’s wiped my wet cheeks with her other hand and said, “it’s not your fault. So, wake up.” I snapped out.

_-###-###_

“Kuroo! Kuroo Tetsurou!” “You’re not gonna come in?” I blinked several times before getting back on earth. _Did I lose my consciousness??_

Bokuto drag me in to my flat and told me to sit down. Gave out a glass of water and fanning me. “Why did you stunned like that?” He asked. “I- I don’t know..”

“K. Fine, at least you’re here now. It took me fifteen minutes to wake you up, my friend,” he uttered. I feel bad.

I stood up when I heard the door’s knocking. Bokuto does too.

_“I’ll_

_Open_

_It_

_For_

_You.”_

I blacked out before reaching the door. The last things I knew, the glass on my hand was fallen apart, my eyes were itchy, my head banged to the floor. Then I heard my mom’s voice, “Ohayou-”

_-###-_

We were on our way back to Kuroo’s flat. He hand me his access card so I’m the one opening the door. But he didn’t come in. “Kuroo Tetsurou.” I called him formally with a pretend voice. Trying to make a joke. He didn’t budge a little. He was unmoving, two steps away from the door. There was a hollow in his eyes, hands hanging frail.

“Kuroo Tetsuro?” I asked again. _Fuck._

I’m frightened. Minutes passed but he hasn’t respond to my voice. Not even once, not even a tic.

“Kuroo! Kuroo Tetsurou!” I cry out his name in panick. He gets back to his sense after a while.

He shuddered. “What?”

I dragged him in hurrily and told him to sit on the sofa. I brought water in his favorite glass. “Here, drink.” He drank it empty obediently.

“Why did you stunned like that?” He shook his head. Looking down to the floor. He’s sweating as he said he don’t know the reason. He just did. “At least you came back on earth.” I think we shouldn’t have came home. He needs to be treated at the hospital.

I heard the door knocking and instantly stood up to open it. Kuroo’s mom, I suppose. She said she will come to check on him. “I’ll open it for you, Kuroo.” I said, for him to sit back again. Instead of go back to his sit, he fell down on the floor. Along with the sound of glass broken.

I hastily open the door, so his mom could came in.

Kuroo was taken to the hospital by his mom and never home since.

_Present-------------#_

“You look like a mess” I said while slipping in a slight smile. “I.. k-know..” He said with a trembling voice. Lately he’s been drooling more and can’t even lift up a spoon. I suppose he’s muscles are getting weak from sleeping too much. “Hey, you wanna do some make over?” Kuroo’s frowning to his long-ass time bestfriend saying.

“W-what the hell.. d-does it even m-mean..?” His voice is wane and fading as the sentence come to an end. I grimace suspiciously and without his command I frantically strolling to Kuroo’s personal doctor room to ask for his permission.

_Knock. Knock. Knock._

I saw her glancing at the door before allowing me to come in. I’m standing on the doorstep, linking my fingers together, in doubt. “My name is Bokuto Kotarou, I-” “I know, come sit here.” I’m questioning her remark though my feet stepping in confidently.

It didn’t took long to get her permission. However, she gave us couples of conditions. There must be a nurse attending and Kuroo isn’t allowed to lay a step, which means, Kuroo needs a wheelchair. Also, no food from outside.

I excitedly walking towards Kuroo’s room. Imagining his reaction. But turned out, he just gave me a little smile. Well, it’s better than nothing. The nurse diligently preparing everything’s Kuroo might need. Including wheelchair, emergency drug, and IV injection. Ow! And his favorite duck pillow.

We arrived in front of the mall around midday. Kuroo asked me if we can buy a suit instead of another volley jersey I suggested, because he might need it anytime. I agreed. I might need it too.

I let Kuroo tries everything first then me later. He tried this and that, from brightest color to dark black suit. Tuxedo with a vest to chest-revealing shirt. Plain white to flowery pattern ones. Not gonna lie, he looks good in everything. Regardless of his broad shoulders and firm arms are kinda disappearing now.

He walked out from the dressing room with stagggered steps, wearing his black shiny single buttoned suit and a white open chest shirt underneath. He surely has a pair of perfect legs to pull out that ankle pants and formal black shoes exquisitely.

“WOW KUROO! SO HANDSOME!! That’s it. I’m ascending.” I said, throwing my body to the cottony sofa like I just shot by an arrow. Trying to boost his confidence up. I’m glad that he burst out laughing because of my words. His laughs are faint, it’s no longer the same laugh as before. I miss healthy Kuroo. But it is what it is now.

It took them almost a year to diagnosed Kleine-Levin Syndrome on Kuroo. But when they finally did, it feels like a little too late.

Kuroo’s getting worse and doesn’t seem to get better.

I want him to know,

_He can be as destroyed and as wither as it can get bad. Yet I’ll keep wanting him, giving all my heart._

_-###-_

We came back to the hospital room at midnight. Kuroo’s personal nurse asked me to help Kuroo wash himself with dampen towel. So I did (of course he does his private part by himself).

“Y-you won’t... sleepover t-to..night?” Kuroo asked as he pout.

_Fuck. Why is he all of a sudden acting like this?_

I scoffed, covering up my mouth to hide my blushing face. “Shut up. You make me wanna puke.” Notwithstanding with my words, he pursed his lips in a pout even harder. “oh w-why..? Hehe” says Kuroo as he scoot over to give me space on his bed.

We all know I’m not supposed to sleep on that bed. But-

I walk towards him and ruffled his hair softly. He swiftly pull me in and put my head on his right shoulder. We hugged in silence for some time. I can smell drugs in his body.

“Do you wish it had turned out differently? With him?” I murmurs. We parted while he’s frowning at me. “Y-you me-mean, our.. pud-ding head?” I nodded nonchalantly, putting my head on him again. Kuroo really likes to call us by nicknames. I sorta jealous that Kenma got a cute one. He sighs, “I do, b-but I gue-ss.. I need you m-more.... than h-him now. You alwa-ys here.. f-forr me whilst he’s n-not.” He said, stuttering. His tongue must feel numb somehow. I snuggled into him deeper just to find his arms holding me tighter. I presume Kuroo is smiling widely now, from how his chin moves.

But when I saw him smiled in his sleep that night. I know it wasn’t because he’s dreaming about me.

_-###-_

“Koutarou-kun?” Kuroo’s personal nurse came upon me. It’s the first time we talk alone, without the doctor or Kuroo himself. I’m so nervous. Why do they want to talk to me?

And when I know why. My world collapsed. The bright blue sky turning orange is now dark and cloudy. So dark, I can’t even see the stars. Damn it, Kuroo.

“He signed the documents already, sir.”

“Why so sudden?” My voice cracked. “But it’s already three months since the first time he asked us about the procedure.” Replied the nurse.

This is crazy.

“His parents slept here last night and just went back to their hotel room this afternoon. They give Bokuto Koutaru-kun time to spend with Tetsurou-kun,” she added. “That’s you, right?” I nodded in a hurry and briskly running to Kuroo’s room and so ready to throw some hands. But I wouldn’t dare.

_-###-_

Walking through this hospital’s clean-plain-white-depressing-alcohol smelled like-corridors has became my usual activity. I even give out most of my days here. Visiting The Sleeping Beauty Kuroo.

When I come up into the room, I saw Kuroo holding his phone worriedly after taking it down from his ear. It’s two in the afternoon, he always takes a nap at this hours. So I asked, “is there something wrong, Rooster?” Kuroo just shake his head and grimace. He then patting the empty space on the bed beside him, inviting me to join in. I was too giddy to lay down and take a nap cuddling that I forgot about that suspicious-important thing Kuroo has been concealing all this time.

Right. It was three months ago. I knew something was off but I was too clueless to figure it out.

So that’s why getting doctor’s permission was extremely easy.

I peer my eyes to his bony body. I’m aware and understand if he’s fed up, but I’m not sure if it’s the best desicion.

“Are you sure about that?”

“T-thad. What?”

“Euthanasia. You dumbass.” He nodded as response, turning his back at me on his left. Kuroo’s right arm folded to support his head while left arm hanging on his right shoulder, attached to the IV injection. I can feel that he’s still uncertain himself. But what to do.. the deal has already sealed after those three months of consideration I never heard of. And Kuroo never told me about it.

Unbelievable.

“But you said you love the life.” I said quietly.

“I did,” he mumbled.

I come closer to him and carefully sitting on his bed, finally resting my body beside him. I can’t help but to scoop him from behind, placing my chin on his shoulder. He giggled and turn his body facing me. I lean my head onto his chest and curl up in his embrace. He starts to caressing my froze-like hair with his weak-parky-bony hands. It makes me tear up how this sickness changed him.

He then looked down to me, “I can hear y-you sob-bing.. I-I’m sssorry..” He said. I stayed silent. There’s something clogging my throat and it’s fucking hurts.

I can feel his nose tip nudging my nape, his heavy breathing sweeping the crook of my neck to my ears. I’m trying so hard not to sniffling annoyingly. In spite the fact that I really want to scream. “M-my owl..” He whispered. My tears are flowing down wet Kuroo’s hospital robe. We ended up fell asleep in each other’s arms a whole night.

The difference is, I woke up and he didn’t.

_-###-_

You look so pale yet so gorgeous in my eyes, Kuroo. Your bedhead hair remains spike as usual, they tried to comb it down but that’s just how your hair naturally does. Your lips formed a minor smile. Your slender fingers linked, under the wraps of white soft gloves. You’re wearing your chosen suit from before. As expected, perfectly fit you, My Buddy. Anyways, how’s that red polcadot bowtie they gave you? Do you like it?

I think it looks good on your stiff body.

Your mom’s crying so hard after the doctor called her. And keep on crying ever since. Your dad came. He doesn’t look so good either. He might as well paler than you. Our friends are here too. I see that they all having swollen eyes, hugging each other, and keep asking me how am I doing. _How am I doing?_

_I am numb._

I wish I didn’t sleep last night and talk to you more. But I’m too afraid. I don’t want to see you dying.

Kuroo, they brought a lot of flowers. Beautiful ones. You’re gonna love it, even tho you’d said flowers are such a pretentious gift to give but I know you lowkey like it, didn’t you?

This is probably my last time seeing your face. I won’t take a step anywhere until they close your coffin, Buddy.

Your hair smelled like citrus and mint scent from your favorite shampoo. I’d always help you wash your hair lately, remember? I washed it today too. But you don’t need to wash your hair anymore. That was the last one.

_-###-_

Kuroo’s funeral finished precisely at lunch time, everyone including his parents already head back home. But I can’t get myself to leave him here. Imagine Kuroo—my buddy—sleeping here alone, for literally eternity. I just can’t.

I’m swallowing my grief a whole and filling my stomach with it. The sweet smell of Kuroo, the warm and yet cold—druggy—scent of his body, which I used to hug every single night before this.. but I can’t anymore... is still here. I remember you vividly like we just met a second ago.

_The air around me is heavy, Kuroo. I miss you._

“Bokuto,” a familiar voice of Kenma vaguely heard from afar. He appeared in front of me before my eyes. He wears black-grey plaid shirt with black hoodie below. The pudding hair Kuroo always talked about doesn’t stand out today, it hides behind the hood.

I wonder why does he use so many layers. Oh! It’s raining these days, he must be feeling cold.

_But what about Kuroo down there?_

Kenma stand lifelessly on the other side of Kuroo’s burial ground. He’s staring at the tomb, whilst I stare at him concerned. I can see tears held up there, glisten the sad eyes of him. Refuse to show late Kuroo all the pain he bare. “We didn’t say goodbye to each other,” Kenma’s words finally escaping his shaky lips.

I simply hummed then look away, avoiding his gaze. I don’t know what to say. I am just as hurting as him in this case.

“He called me,” Kenma said in a very low voice, I almost thought he whispered. I can feel his eyes glancing at me and Kuroo’s tomb back and forth. “That day I was too tired and when I saw incoming call from him.. I don’t know, Bokuto.. I wanna explode. I miss him, so bad. But we can’t even meet each other without being awkward. I hate that feeling. Not him.” He added.

_Shit. That was the longest sentence I’ve ever heard from Kenma. He must be scattered as well._

He took a deep breathe and exhaling it heavily before looking down to Kuroo’s tomb. “I’m sorry for denying my feelings and hurt you, Kuro. I can’t believe you’d really took your own life.”

_Now I realised_

_that I’m the only one_

_not knowing about his decision. Kuroo,_

_why..?_

Kenma and I walk out of the cemetery in slow steps. Really slow that I can hear every cracking sounds of leaves I stepped on. “Thank you for staying beside him, Bokuto.” Said Kenma after clearing his throat. He and Kuroo broke up last year. Whereas last year is the time Kuroo diagnosed with hypersomnia—that turns out to be even way more critical than it has—KLS. But Kenma didn’t knew. So that’s fine. Maybe.

“Bokuto is my bestfriend. It’s all good,” I grimace. After a few steps, I noticed that Kenma stopped walking. He look up to the sky with eyes closed. He put his hands inside the black hoodie pocket.

_What the fuck. Kenma rarely looking up._

When I noticed his chest moving up and down unevenly, I tapped on his shoulder, brow furrowing, “Kenma-” “I think I’m heartbroken,” he interjected, clutching my elbow part of black shirt. His cheeks flushed as red as the vibrant color of ripest peach.

“Just now? You’ve broken up with him for a year already,”

“I still love him, I always do.”

 _“Me too,”_ I spoke in my head.

As he pulled out his hands I see that it trembles so bad. _Is he panicking?_

I help him to sit and rest on a bench under a giant tree. The tree’s wood smells like grandmother’s house. It might help calming him. I gently caress his back while look around the lonely cemetery. Chirps of birds—or crows—coalesce with the sudden strong blow of winds. I tap my hair down to prevent it from flying around and messed up. “How do I live knowing I broke his heart the last time I saw him, Bokuto-san?” I startled at Kenma’s voice.

“Don’t be so down. He still loves you too.” I said as I giggled. My heart stings.

“But do you know why he did this, Kotarou?”

I breathed in slowly before answering his question, “The nurse said, Tetsurou couldn’t take anymore bullshit from his body. He’d been hallucinating and his mind’s floating. He couldn’t remember his surname one day, then his mom’s face in another day. He wasn’t able to swallow, nor walk by himself. He’s struggling, Kenma. He wanted to get out. Doctors couldn’t give any hope because there’s no cure yet. He’s helpless.”

Kenma nodded, understood.

I saw a black sedan coming near us. It was Kenma’s parents. Kenma say goodbye to me while helding back his tears. Again. I waved my hands enthusiastically. He opened his car window to waved back at me. When the car’s gone after the second alley. I continued walking.

The sky’s finally turned orange then red then indigo. It’s beautiful, Kuroo. It really is. The sky is clear beyond your bed. Rest well. We’ll meet again soon.

Bokuto squinting his eyes, pierced by the dazzling light of the sun setting down. “ _I told sunset about you, about us, about the thing I had and never admit. I love you.”_

**FIN.**

**Author's Note:**

> Give kudos if you enjoyed and leave feedback so I can get better in my next fics. Thank you!


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